I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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