she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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