the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
