I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
