just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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