Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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