for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
