Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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