Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
