i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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