I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sext me about skeletons
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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