I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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