I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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