if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
