Don't make out with my wife yet
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
