Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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