I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
