i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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