Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
