Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
