They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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