Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
