I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
