you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
they're like a gay fantastic four
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
His nipple licking is glorious
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