my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
