Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
