This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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