I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
