If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
