Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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