I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
