he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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