Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
