no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
