Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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