No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
