He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
