The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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