I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
