If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
