His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And then my night got REAL pukey
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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