you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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