I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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