I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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