Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just pee around me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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