i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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