Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
