I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
