i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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