i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You can't special order awesome
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
