gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
